Posts tagged abuse
Posts tagged abuse
I was going to write a post about the concept of “i get to hurt you because you owe it to me” and how abusive it is, and how frightening it is to see it spun like something liberatory and progressive, but I’m too tired and busy to feel like I can make the line between totally fine and healthy expressions of anger (“misandry for life”, “fuck white people”, “shut up and listen”, etc) and straight-up abusers who use that rhetoric to get away with abuse and dismiss the allegations of their victims as “x tears”, and say stuff like “well maybe I assaulted them in a technical sense, but they have y privilege over me so it doesn’t count”, and how that feeds into abuse/rape culture that picks apart every detail of a victim’s life, because obviously everyone is privileged and marginalized on some axes, and abusers will hyperfocus on whatever “justifies” their abuse and dismiss whatever make them look bad and there is nothing worse than an abuser who has learned enough social justice rhetoric to mask their abuse in buzzwords that appeal to well-meaning kids who want to fight The Man, etc, absolutely crystal clear enough for tumblr
but as I was writing it it got too personal and I haven’t had coffee yet so whatever, I’m gonna go watch Adventure Time and have breakfast
This. Abusers with a grasp of social justice language are some of the best gaslighters I’ve ever seen. Their ability to twist someone’s mind out of shape is beyond horrifying.
Amanda Palmer is beyond doing problematic shit, she’s problematic and awful
Cosigned. She’s awful.
Some proof, if you need convincing: When called out on ableism by the blog Feminists with Disabilities/FWD/Forward, Amanda Palmer responded with total lack of accountability. The second link includes a link to a television talk show interview that is especially illustrative of Palmer’s dismissive attitude toward the bloggers who dared critique her new musical project.
BECAUSE ART is not a valid justification for putting together a performance that marginalizes or distorts the experiences of the disabled (or any other group that has been historically oppressed/silenced), nor is BECAUSE ARTISTS PROVOKE. If you can’t come up with a carefully-composed and thoughtful answer to a group of critics who suggest that what you’re doing is offensive or oppressive (whether intentional or not), then you’re not thinking hard enough about the work you’re creating and its relationship with the social world into (and with) which you’ve woven it.
One need not read “Can the Subaltern Speak?” to know that it’s extremely problematic for a member of a dominant group to attempt to represent the experiences of people outside of that group. For example: if I, a solidly middle-class white American woman, published a profitable novel from the perspective of a woman of color who has spent her whole life in the favelas around Rio di Janiero, I’d be (rightfully!!!) accused by critics of ventriloquizing and cultural appropriation because I can’t know what it’s like to be raised and to raise one’s family in a favela, or to have grown up in Rio, or to be a person of color. Even if my portrayal of the narrator were fully humane and carefully researched in the favelas, I’d still be using my privileged position to speak for someone whose voice is rarely heard (and in doing so I’d turn a financial profit for myself, which would make it especially icky). I’m sure that if I were dumb enough to write such a novel, my privileged position would come through in the language somewhere, even after careful revisions, via inaccuracies, distortions, and presumptions. That’s what Evelyn Evelyn was: appropriation of the experiences of disabled people for the profit of two (temporarily?) able-bodied artists, and it wasn’t even particularly nuanced or well-crafted. It was tacky and meant to shock in order to generate profit, and that’s incredibly gross.
It’s possible (if difficult for many) to accept criticism gracefully, and it’s possible to take the time to work out the bugs in your project/piece of art so that it doesn’t reproduce narratives that actively oppress people. Amanda Palmer failed to do both of these things.
Plus: she doesn’t make particularly interesting music, either, not that that would exonerate her from any of this.
Yeppp, and she is racist, transphobic, and perpetuates rape culture as well. Ughh. And I agree, her music isn’t that great, either.
All of the above
And, as I will continue to mention, because it needs to get out there, when her partner, who was a recovering drug addict had a relapse, she faked a suicide attempt to let him know how he made her feel.
A few years later he committed suicide.
She recorded his reaction when he found her, pretending to be dead, and years later she used it on an album.
Guess what my opinion is of people who use suicide threats to make vulnerable people feel bad
She told the audience this at a concert I went to of hers. It was the last time I will ever give her my money.
This always needs to get passed around. And I mean, I actually DID like her music for quite a while, and appreciated some of the less problematic things she did. So it’s not about “well, you don’t like her anyway”. No, I was DEEPLY ANGRY because of these things BECAUSE I’d felt like we were on the same side, so to speak.
I think it’s worth noting that Evelyn Evelyn isn’t just appropriative because they’re conjoined - the whole story is this long dramatic thing about child pornography and sort of persuading these deeply anxious girls into the limelight while also using that angle as an explanation of why they don’t appear much (since it wasn’t real). Which wouldn’t have been funny or appropriate or NECESSARY TO THE ACT even if everyone had KNOWN from the beginning that it was her and Jason, but not everyone did.
I don’t think I’ve heard the racist bit though, or at least I’ve ignored her for so long at this point that I’ve forgotten it.
That is a link to a video of her telling the fake suicide story. This was taken at a concert I attended. I wanted to provide proof, in case anyone thought I was exaggerating. trigger warnings for discussion of suicide, faking suicide, and abusive behaviour towards vulnerable people.
woah holy shit
I knew she was an ableist, appropriative, self-absorbed jerk, but I didn’t know she was outright abusive to at least one former partner like that.
That is actually the most disgusting thing I’ve heard at least all week. Gross gross gross.
If she actually expressed regret or accountability about any of this stuff, it’d be one thing, but she never seems anything but completely unapologetic.
Combining this with her Kickstarter fiasco and her simulated sexual assault of a Katy Perry lookalike at a concert … well, I really don’t have any respect left for this lady.
- Charlie Sheen
- Sean Connery
- Gary Oldman
- David Hasselhoff
- Mel Gibson
- Michael Fassbender
- Nicholas Cage
- Gary Busey
- Bill Murray
- Alec Baldwin
- Phil Hartman
- Tommy Lee
- Josh Brolin
- Sean Penn
- Woody Allen
- Roman Polanski
- Axl Rose
- Sonny Bono
- John Lennon
- Sean Bean
- Elvis Presley
- Kelsey Grammar
- Rob Lowe
- Chris Brown
Who Tumblr/Internet/Society cares about when they beat/rape women:
- Chris Brown
My TEDxWomen talk is online and sharable! I spoke about sexist online harassment and internet cyber mobs in Washington DC on December 1st.
Note: The TEDx YouTube channel does not moderated comments so do yourself a favor and skip them.
I am SO EXCITED that Anita did a Ted Talk about what happened earlier this year. I hung out with her a few months ago seeking some guidance. She is super fierce, intelligent, brave, and incredibly sweet. Check out the vid (and her YouTube show, Fem Frequency). Great stuff.
Seriously, don’t read the comments. I’m glad that Anita is not shutting up.
He’s unempathic, controlling, cold, and manipulative.
Hold up a sec. Are we calling out an inhuman character for beinginhumane?
No, I’m calling out fanshippers for calling abuse sexy. If people actually acted like Jareth…
I wasn’t gonna respond to this, but it kept bugging me.
Here’s the thing a lot of people miss. Jareth is a vilain in the truest sense, but he’s in love. (yes it could be argued as more of an obsession) The reason this works so beautifly, the reason he is so *sexy* is that he represents temptation and the illusion of power that young people cling to. The entire movie is an intricate metaphor for growing up. THis false power intall frees sarah of the thing anoying her— her brother, but unlike the power she has within her (the place Jareth cannoth touch) His power is demented and corrupt. He gives the illusion of security, the llusion that he can take away all her pain, But at what cost?
Slavery, thats the cost. We should not be slaves to the easy way out, the soothing path of complacency.
At the end Sarah tells him in no uncertain terms “You have no power over me” The illusion breaks (litterally) the demon of complicity is shattered. The self endures.
But don’t we all fantasize about being led, about someone else taking the reins?
Also theres the sexy-evil factor. The dark always apeals to some of us. That gentile monster, the monster that could break us but choses not to. Think about it, he’s turned her world upside down but has he laid a hand on her? He could break her but he doesn’t he teaches her a lesson instead. I’m not arguing he’s not an abuser, but this is what appeals in a way.
I think that Jareth’s role was pretty well-portrayed in the movie itself.
But the more I encounter attitudes about power and control in BDSM, the more uncomfortable I become with the way the line is blurred between kink and abuse. When the fetishization of a nonconsensual or abusive dynamic is done with an understanding of the dynamics at play, it squicks me but doesn’t make me upset.
Labyrinth is such an ingrained and mainstream part of Gen Y upbringing that the romanticization of Jareth and Sarah’s relationship is rarely so examined or nuanced. That’s where most of my issue lies.
I think that if we are going to point out the use of rape-as-sexy in fandom, we should be pointing out abuse-as-sexy too.
I’m accepting that when it comes to these dynamics, I may just be one of the villains — I’ve already had someone viciously excoriate me for making the post in the first place. But so be it.
So all y’all Jareth x Sarah shippers know that you’re glorifying abuse, right?
Here, have some super romantic quotes.
Jareth: Everything I’ve done, I’ve done for you. I move the stars for no one.
Jareth: Your eyes can be so cruel, just as I can be so cruel.
Sarah: Give me the child.
Jareth: Sarah, beware. I have been generous up ‘til now. I can be cruel.
Sarah: Generous? What have you done that’s generous?
Jareth: *Everything*! Everything that you wanted I have done. You asked that the child be taken. I took him. You cowered before me, I was frightening. I have reordered time. I have turned the world upside down, and I have done it all for *you*! I am exhausted from living up to your expectations. Isn’t that generous?
and of course errybody’s favorite!
Jareth: I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave.
All this shit is classic abuser speak. Look up any resource on emotional abuse, and nearly every line Jared says fits one of those behaviors. He’s unempathic, controlling, cold, and manipulative.
I’m not trying to tell anybody what they are or aren’t allowed to ship, but best to call a spade a spade. If you’re gonna call out media for glorifying rape culture but you still think that Jareth’s a dreamy character, you need to understand that you’re glorifying abuse.
Ok, childhood-ruining over, back to your regularly scheduled tumblr.
8 ways to spot Emotional Manipulation
1. There is no use in trying to be honest with an emotional manipulator. You make a statement and it will be turned around. Example: I am really angry that you forgot my birthday. Response - “It makes me feel sad that you would think I would forget your birthday,I should have told you of the great personal stress I am facing at the moment - but you see I didn’t want to trouble you. You are right I should have put all this pain (don’t be surprised to see real tears at this point) aside and focused on your birthday. Sorry.” Even as you are hearing the words you get the creeped out sensation that they really do NOT mean they are sorry at all - but since they’ve said the words you’re pretty much left with nothing more to say. Either that or you suddenly find yourself babysitting their angst!! Under all circumstances if you feel this angle is being played - don’t capitulate! Do not care take - do not accept an apology that feels like bullshit. If it feels like bullshit - it probably is. Rule number one - if dealing with an emotional blackmailer TRUST your gut. TRUST your senses. Once an emotional manipulator finds a successful maneuver - it’s added to their hit list and you’ll be fed a steady diet of this shit.
Heartbreaking Tearjerker of the Day: After a revealing photo of 15-year-old Amanda Todd was passed around online, the teen couldn’t escape widespread bullying — even after switching schools.
On October 10, like 14-year-old Jamey Rodemayer last month, she posted this chilling note card video to YouTube.
Then she committed suicide.
All of the trigger warnings. This video will mess up your day.
It blows my mind that this girl was tormented for as long as she was.
Where were the grownups throughout all this? Were they asleep? Did they not know what the internet is? I know Amanda didn’t want to press charges — that is common and fair for an abused young woman — but there is so much that the involved adults could have done that was clearly not done.
Where were the fucking adults and why didn’t they put a stop to this?
Also, does anybody else feel like maybe we should start using the grown-up words for these crimes? Amanda was abused, assaulted, battered, neglected, stalked, harassed and defamed.Bullying is too neat a package to fit such a comprehensive set of crimes.
This is just so awful.
(also, if you were wondering why I am so angry at The Angry Atheist, well … let’s just say that I am no friend of the “mourning one person’s death trivializes the death of others” canard.)
Holy Sh*t Marriage Proposal of the Day: Crazy Russian Alexey Bykov wanted his girlfriend ”to realize how life would have no meaning without me.”
So the 30-year-old hired a movie director, stuntmen, make-up artists, and a script writer to stage a car crash in which he “died.”
Naturally, Irena Kolokov lost it when she saw the carnage:We’d arranged to meet at a certain place but when I arrived there were mangled cars everywhere, ambulances, smoke, and carnage. Then when I saw Alexy covered in blood lying in the road. A paramedic told me he was dead and I just broke down in tears.
But that was the moment Bykov had been waiting for — the dead man jumped to his feet and proposed.
“I was so cross I almost killed him again, but for real this time,” Kolokov said.
Fortunately for Bykov, she eventually forgave him and the couple were married last week.
“I think it worked but I promise it’s the last time,” he said.
Because nothing screams “Loving husband” like faking your death to show your loved one how much they need you.
Oh wait my bad, it actually screams “emotionally manipulative abuser.”
Christ, what an asshole.
I keep meaning to do a proper post where I go through all the DV checklists & find examples in the 50 Shades series. But that requires me to re-read all three books & I’m not about that life. So we’ll go with controlling behavior & Ana’s inner thoughts and feelings. Anyone with a stronger…
I don’t think anybody in my timeline thinks that 50 Shades is any good, but this post is still worth reading.